Rock's Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to have about 10 friends for dinner. I hope they taste good.

Normally, I would post some sage financial analysis junk to make everybody think I know something I truly don’t. But this time, I’m going to post another kind of sage. Here’s a little ditty I wrote about how to prepare a turkey feast. I left out the list of materials, you can ferret it out from the directions.

(I can’t resist it: go look at GDX and ANV—I like them both. (Disclaimer I just entered ANV long. I think their levered cash flow is negative because of the investment they’ve just made in a new mine.)

0. The night before, tear up the bread into pieces no bigger than ¾ inch square, into the black turkey pan while you watch the football game. There may not be a live one, so be sure you’ve got one on tape. Football is necessary. Put the top on the pan, but don’t seal. We want the bread a little stale. Bake the pumpkin pies. Use the recipe on the back of the Libby’s can, but substitute dark brown sugar. Add extra pumpkin pie spice, maybe 2X the amount on the recipe. Mix one package of Lipton onion soup with the sour cream. Cover and refrigerate until tomorrow.

1. Get up at 6:00. AM. This is a requirement. Without doing this, it won’t be Thanksgiving.
2. Pour 2 ounces of Vodka in a glass. Add Ice. Sprinkle Tobasco sauce. Fill with Bloody Mary Mix. Open one pack of celery. Cut off the end of a piece, and stir the mix. Drink..
3. Turn on the oven to 350. Bake the Costco apple pie for 1 hour on a cookie sheet.
4. Open the turkey and wash it out. Remove the giblets and boil for about 20 minutes. Watch out, because they boil-over really easy! Don’t boil the neck. Save the water, but throw the giblets away. You’ll use the water in the stuffing..
5. While the giblets are boiling peel and chop the onions and about 12 stalks of celery. Mix with the broken bread in the black pan. I guess for the 2 loaves of bread, about 5-6 cups of chopped onion and 3-4 cups of chopped celery is about right. I like more onion than celery.
6. Add seasoning. I start with one heaping tablespoon of Bell’s for each ½ loaf of bread. If you used both loaves, that’s 4 heaping tablespoons of Bell’s. Add 1 teaspoon of salt, and ½ tablespoon of pepper. Mix well. Pour in some of the water you’ve saved from the giblets, and make the bread squish together. It takes less water than you may think, so start slowly and mix as you go until you get everything to kind of stick together. Don’t make it soupy, but too dry isn’t good either. Taste. Add salt, pepper and Bells as you think necessary. I usually end up adding more of everything. When the flavor “dances” on your tongue, you’ve got it right. Don’t add butter, it will be just fine. Don’t add raisins, don’t add nuts.
7. Repeat step 2.
8. In the sink, stuff the bird’s butt end first. Pack the stuffing in pretty good. Cookbooks you read tell you to pack it loosely, but don’t. It should use about ½ the stuffing there. Sew it closed with the laces or needles. Stuff the bird’s neck end second. Use ¼ of the stuffing there. Sew it closed.
9. Put the rest of the stuffing in a Corel or glass pan. Sink the turkey neck in the middle, and make little “dimples” with your thumb. Fill the dimples with marjorine. After you get some juice from the turkey, squirt it in to this pan. Cover with foil and bake for 1 hour.
10. Preheat the oven to 450 (hopefully you’ve removed the stuffing and the pie you were baking—if not, repeat step 2). Rinse the black pan. Put the turkey in, baste the outside with butter, cover loosely with aluminum foil. Leave a small hole , don’t cover completely to let some of the steam escape.
11. Put the turkey in the oven. Lower the temp to 350. It’s best if you close the oven door.
12. Repeat step 2.
13. Repeat step 2.
14. Bake the bread, use the breadmaker and just pour in the mix.
15. Repeat step 2. Bring out the chips and dip, and mix ½ the jar of horseradish with a rice-bowl full of seafood sauce, and put out the shrimp. Turn on the football game.
16. I baste the turkey with the juices about every hour. They make these “bulbs” that will suck up the juice, and I squirt that on the turkey. Replace the aluminum foil as necessary to keep it covered. I bake it for about 25-30 minutes per pound. Actually, I bake it until one of the legs relaxes and separates from the body. If it’s not brown, remove the aluminum foil for 20 minutes or so. Mine always browns up just fine when cooked covered.
17. Wash and peel the potatoes, cut into ¼ or 1/5. Boil until tender (25-35 mins)
18. Put the green beans in a glass dish, and mix in the can of mushroom soup. Add some water to make it moist, but not too “soupy”. Salt and pepper to taste. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes after the bubbling starts. Sprinkle the French’s fried onions on top and bake until they brown, and everything’s bubbling.
19. Boil the peas. Salt. If not Green Giant brand, add butter.
20. Cook the squash. I don’t remember how, but I don’t care. Anyway, add a little dark brown sugar. It helps.
21. Drain the potatoes, add a lot of melted butter and about ¼ cup of warmed milk (microwave) and use your mixer to whip the potatoes. Cover and salt and pepper to taste.
22. Repeat step 2.
23. Remove the turkey. It will probably take 2 people, with 2 pancake turners each to get it out. Don’t worry about leaving some behind, it helps the gravy. Cover the turkey with aluminum foil. Mix 2 heaping tablespoons of cornstarch in a glass of water, and add slowly to the turkey drippings. Add ½ teasponn of salt, and 1 teaspoon of pepper, and cook for a few minutes (10 or so), constantly stirring. This actually accomplishes 2 things: it helps get the stuck stuff off the pan so washing’s easier later, and breaks up the leftover stuffing and turkey to mix in the gravy. Taste, add more salt and pepper to taste. Taste often. It’s fun.
24. Sit down and eat. Eat more. Serve the pies with Ice Cream and Reddi-Whip.
25. Let somebody else do the dishes.
26. Repeat step 2, and excuse yourself, closing the bedroom door behind you.